


It's a Wonderful Day!

by Confetti94



Category: Wandersong (Video Game)
Genre: It is a wonderful day!
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-19
Updated: 2018-12-04
Packaged: 2019-08-26 01:18:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16672021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Confetti94/pseuds/Confetti94
Summary: It's a wonderful day!





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I wiggle my fingers! It helps me smell you!

It's a wonderful day! Bard goes outside. Miriam is there.

 

"Join my emo band," she says. She has a picture of Elmo on her shirt. It says "Fuck!"

 

"What?" Bard asks via echolocation.

 

"My emo band," she repeats. For some reason, she no longer has teeth.

 

"Sure," Bard says. But Bard is lying. Bard will not join. Bard is already in a band with Sans.

 

Miriam and Bard walk around a little bit. It's kind of boring, since Miriam is a bit too emotionally-constipated to talk about things that Bard wants to talk about (Digimon, among other things), so Bard starts singing. Bard, however, forgot to update Windows 7, and therefore their voice module no longer properly works. Miriam then kills them. Bard is dead, but they're okay.

 

Once they arrive in Hell, they are greeted by the Mask Dude.

 

"Hey," says the Mask Dude. They have a  **mask** on!

 

"'Sup," says Miriam to the Mask Dude, who has a  **mask** on!

 

"I wish I fucking had ears," Bard says ruefully.

 

"I'm here too," Audrey interrupts. But Audrey is ignored. Her scarf isn't cool enough. She scowls, kicking the ground and stomping off to Hot Topic. She tries getting a job there, but Miriam is the manager and refuses to hire her. Audrey then retires to the countryside, selling lemonade.

 

Bard, Miriam, and the Mask Dude begin to play ninja. Miriam gets her arm cut off, but since it's her ethereal third arm she doesn't particularly care. The Mask Dude has a  **mask** on! Bard falls over because, lacking ears, they have difficulty balancing.

 

It's a wonderful day!


	2. It's a̹̦̖̻ͦͩ̐̏ Wonderful Day! Cali wins.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> :)

It's a̹̦̖̻ͦͩ̐̏ wonderful day! Bard walks outside again. Miriam is there, but Bard elects to go in the opposite direction.

There is a cliff! Unfortunately, Bard cannot climb walls; they had their retractable claws surgically removed by the Coffee Pirates. Where are those claws now? Don't think about it! I'm begging you.

Fortunately, Bard knows a solution to this predicament. They press themselves against the wall, until they begin to slightly clip into it. The wall begins to speak.

"Please stop. Do you understand the consequences of this?" the wall asks, incredulously. "This isn't debug mode. You're going to suffocate."

"Do you have a mouth?" Bard responds without clarity, because they have fucking dirt in their mouth.

"No," the wall hums. It does not, in fact, have a mouth. In order to counter this paradox, it uses vibrations. Next to Bard's house, Miriam is having a crisis; she believes Yellowstone has erupted.

"Do you want one?"

"That would be nifty," the wall wiggles.

"If you bring me up, I can just draw you one in the dirt! Then, you can have a mouth."

"Sure."

Bard emerges from a hole in the wall, crawling out like a worm. They turn around, using Miriam's spare nose (on sale at Ikea) to draw a vaguely mouth-shaped oval in the earth. For visualizations sake, it looks a little like a particularly chunky slug.

"There you go!" Bard chirps at their handiwork.

"Thanks," the wall responds. "It fucking sucks."

Bard ignores the wall. The wall, lacking a particular plot focus, dissolves--for the second time--into a physical object lacking personality and sentience; before it is gone, it screams in utter agony. I implore you to remember this, reader. Do not forget. Not all walls enjoy their role. Some walls, too, wish to be heroes.

This wall is not a hero.

Bard is not a hero.

"Oh, shit," says a cat. This cat, in due time, will be a hero.

"Huh?" says Bard, because Bard is confused. Bard has never seen a talking animal be--oh, wait a second.

"Oh, _shit_ ," the cat repeats. The cat can sense the chaotic canon-breaking abilities churning through Bard's blood. It takes a step back. "Oh, I really don't like this."

"You will!" Bard says, cheerfully. They have a knife. It's a butter knife, but for some reason that makes it even worse.

The cat hisses. "You cannot kill me in a way that matters."

Bard dabs.

"Okay, yes you can. I believe you." The cat trembles. "I'm logging off now." It disappears.

Without the cat allowing passage, Bard cannot access the developers. They are stuck there, forever, in infinity. Someone help them.


	3. I҉̙̣̮͉̜͙t̘̱̤̟̪̭̻͈ͅ'̕͏̘̺̹͚͓͉͉ͅs̶҉̢̖̘̭̞ ̸̧̙̜̭̠a̗̖͍̞̲͖ Wonderful Day!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 1/2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> : - )

I҉̙̣̮͉̜͙t̘̱̤̟̪̭̻͈ͅ'̕͏̘̺̹͚͓͉͉ͅs̶҉̢̖̘̭̞ ̸̧̙̜̭̠a̗̖͍̞̲͖ Wonderful Day!

  
Bard does not go outside. Not today. A squirrel has been persistently screaming outside their window. Quite frankly, it scares the shit out of them.

Instead, Bard sits on the floor. I use "sit" in that that's the only way I can describe it. They aren't really sitting, but if I tried to explain it, I believe my bones would jiggle. Please let me out.

Bard is (sitting) and they are staring at the wall. This wall is not sentient. And yet, despite lacking sentience, it feels its skin crawl. It has very human skin. The wall doesn't know this. Bard no longer has a butter knife; they ate it exactly 17 hours, 34 minutes, and 12 seconds ago.

If you keep thinking about this, you will begin to boil. Bard can smell the soup from here. They don't have a nose, and instead inhale the flavor through their ear-flaps.

It turns out the soup smell is coming from Miriam. After Bard took a 48 hour depression nap, she wondered if perhaps Bard was just not sexy enough to be awake. After all, being sexy required wearing soup fragrance. The smell of noodles sometimes attracted coyotes, and Miriam would sigh as she gave them bones in an attempt to tame them. She got this idea from her Minecraft Let's Play, specifically Episode 20, where she builds a statue of Audrey (former and now disgraced vlogger) and sets it on fire.

The coyotes stop existing promptly. Miriam doesn't quite notice, but her ears tingle a little! She knocks on Bard's door.

"Bard? Are you in there?" she calls, hand on the doorknob. The doorknob holds her hand, because the door is a lesbian.

Bard does not reply. Miriam lets herself in, because she frequently breaks and enters to steal fruit snacks from underneath Bard's bed anyways. As soon as she steps in s

 


	4. Terribly wrong

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2/2

omething is terribly wrong!

Bard's head swivels 360 degrees around to look at Miriam. They actually have to turn their head an additional 270 degrees, because they ended up back in their original position. The sound of bubble wrap popping fills the room as Bard finally stops. The wall quakes in its metaphorical boots.

Miriam stares.

Bard stares back, but it is not quite staring, is it? It is piercing. Like a stylus pressing against a defenseless, protector-lacking screen as 8 year old me attempts to draw anime cats on Flipnote Studio for the Nintendo DSi.

"...Bard--"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAA--"

"--holy _shit_ , what the fuck--"

"--AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA."

Bard's mouth closes with an audible cracking sound. It makes the room drop at least one degree Kelvin. Miriam's ears have dissolved, but she pretends not to notice. Bard smiles. If you listen closely, you will hear clown honks coming from underneath Bard's hat.

"...a," finishes Bard. For a few hours, they both remain motionless, frozen, in shared horror. Miriam finally speaks up, because she can't feel her legs anymore.

"Are you fucking _okay_?"

"Yes! Perfectly!" Bard goes to dab, but Miriam tightens her hold on the gun. Bard stops the movement. "I just had to get that out of my system! Now I'm very sunny again!"

(The sun is crying.)

"Huh." Miriam blinks, her secondary eyelids sliding over her pupils, briefly masking them in a translucent film. "Well, that's great. Can I have my teeth back?"

"Aw, Miriam! You know that's a debt you can't ever pay back!"

"I just want to eat solid foods again?"

"Like what?"

"Apples. Rocks, among other things."

"That's cute! I wish I had taste buds in my mouth."

Miriam's leg briefly clips through the floor. "Do you have taste buds...elsewhere?"

Bard points to oh god. Oh god. Oh fuck.

Bard points to their skin. Miriam can see every pore. She tries to look away, but she can't. Her eyes burn. Miriam begs Bard to stop being hyper-realistic, but Bard cannot stop. Bard has so many HD pixels. Bard is so fucking powerful. Bard grabs the butter knife and they

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

After that little incident, they both compromise on having zero teeth. This, however, is a lie, because i̶̘͜t̴̼̯̘̘͠'̸̢̞̱͖̞̩̺͙s̥͟ ͓͙͚͎͎͖͖̤a̛̻̠̜ ̡͉͙̼̻͙͝͝ͅw̡̛̖̳̙͓̲͍o̗̠n̕͟͏̹̤̞̳̤͔̣͇͇d͔͚̪͘͠e҉̨͇̺̝̪̘r̷̨͎̱ͅf͏̠̹͔̰͉̤̦u̞̤̠̝͕͚̦̙̕l̨̬̲̝̻̤ day!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ( - :


End file.
